How to get Indians to kick ass at the next Olympics

 

The Summer Olympics 2016, held in Rio, turned out to be a spectacle of outstanding sporting spirit and remarkable feats. India marked her place in the medal list with a silver and bronze and we couldn’t be more proud of PV Sindhu and Sakshi Malik for raising the tricolour at Rio.

 

But as always, we HAD to criticise the athletes who tried all they could, and comment on their performances (not pointing fingers, but ‘De’s are for real). So we decided to list out a few “sports” that, if included in the Olympics, would get our medal tally soaring.

TRAFFIC RACE

Gold for the one who can squeeze through the never ending bottleneck traffic multiple times and still manage to be sane by the end of the race. Sounds pretty easy since we do it every single day, doesn’t it? Be it a dreaded Monday morning or a lazy Thursday noon, or an exciting Saturday night, we have fought hour long traffic jams to be entitled as champions.

Traffic pile up at Residency Road in downtown in Bangalore, India, on Friday, June 22, 2012. Photographer: Namas Bhojani/Bloomberg News

 

LITTER THE ROAD

He crumples it. He scrunches it. He aims. The paper is in the air. It hits the road. HE SCORES!! Now this game is totally ours to nail. But the sport gets better. Litter anything you want. Flyers offering to help you get that perfect shape, cigarettes, diapers, your grandmother’s teapot! The choice is yours, and the road is your goal post. The only rule is that whatever you do, you can not throw anything in the dustbins. Let’s see how America wins this against us! HA!

Littering Olympics

 

STARING CONTEST

Staring is our major forte, and it is high time we bring the old school game to a whole new level. Ogling at anyone that aren’t biologically male long enough to creep them out wins you a point. Extra points if they are of a different colour. Extra-extra points if their clothing somehow manages to fall under your definition of “Indecent”.

staring olympics

 

HONKING

See a man trying to cross the road hundred meters away from you? Honk! In a red signal for 2 seconds? Honk! Announce your presence and destroy the peace of mind of your fellow motorists as humanly possible. Because you can. Besides, noise pollution is something a school kid came up with to get an extra mark in his essay exams anyway. There’s definitely no harm in showing off that you own a honk.

honking olympics

 

 

JUMP THE SIGNAL

When the nation looks up to you for that big gold medal, you don’t have time to wait for the signal to turn green. Yellow is the new green. But you wouldn’t even wait at red if it weren’t for the losers in front of you following the rules. You’d be cruising through the roads if not for them. Causing traffic jams and running over some pedestrians is a very small price to pay when you can win that medal!

 

via GIPHY

 

With these games included in the next Olympics, perhaps India can top the medal tally.

 

Balashankar T P

Wanderer, Reader and Learner.